I woke up this morning to a nice stretch, my littlest one telling me she loves me, and I crawled out of bed with a smile on my face. I went out last night, threw some darts, drank some beer, came home and slept like a champ. It’s an overcast day, not too hot but with 93 percent humidity as it threatens to rain down hard. Seemingly a great way to start the day. I relieve my bladder then strip down naked and step on the scale. Sweet! Despite having eaten things yesterday that are far from diet worthy (like the slice of chocolate cake with so much colorful thick butter cream frosting on it I could have frosted an entire cake I bake with what was on my little slice, and then dinner, I made up as I went along, with 6 Italian sausages cut into bite size pieces cooked in Italian dressing – and no, not the low fat kind – with an entire box of noodles and what was left in my bag of corn, topped with some shredded cheddar cheese – which by the way was fucking delicious! Keep in mind this was to feed the entire house – not just myself lol – and then after a couple non diet worthy beers followed by of all things, a trip to McDonalds for a Quarter Pounder and fries for the ride home – as it is a staple food on the rare occasion I DO drink anything.) I’d still managed to lose about half a pound yesterday. I’d consider that a WIN for sure … so I pour my cup of water (since in the past month and a half I’ve given up what would have been the ONLY thing I would drink all day – Diet caffeine free Pepsi) and fill it with ice (I am an ice eater – don’t hate me) and make my way to the living room. I sit down with my littlest one and pick up my phone and start my daily routine. I look through my emails (in Yahoo because my email website has been acting up past almost 2 months now so I’ve not been able to get into it) then I make my way to twitter. I read through the 18 or so posts that came directly to me sine I climbed into bed (it’s pretty quiet on twitter at night) …. and then I read it … the post that would rip the smile off my face and change my attitude about not only being on twitter for the morning, but about myself … at least for a few moments ….
“you were a little chubby right??” is the post that soured my morning. At least for a short time. I thought about his words before responding to make sure not to be overly waspish first thing in the morning considering I’d woken up in such a good mood. Let me think think over. I was a little chubby? Is he referring to some specific picture or about me in general? Is he referring to some specific day or month or week or year? What the fuck is he talking about? Now granted, I have been working and working hard at getting “more fit” if you can call it that. I’m making life decisions to better my overall health which in turn in bettering my overall appearance – according to some people. But I’ve NEVER considered myself chubby. And what is chubby? Isn’t that basically fat? Am I fat? Was I fat? I’ve not viewed myself as such so I dove in and made my response to him publicly while making sure to quote his original post to me. “you were a little chubby right??” “I never considered myself chubby but thanks for making me feel like shit”
Yep, that pretty much summed it up for me. So I log off of twitter because at that point, I’m not much in the mood to converse so I sit and I think. I’ve been in this industry in one way or another since 1997. Dancing. I wasn’t fat. I wasn’t chubby. I was thicker than I am now but solid as I could be. I was pretty young. I had my 3rd kiddo and got fat while pregnant and it took me some time to lose that weight, yes. But I wasn’t roaming around the internet naked or anything so he couldn’t mean back in 1998-1999. So then webcam. nah … I looked pretty fucking good back then. Which leaves my time while being in officially “adult” … so let me think … I’ve never considered myself “fat” and I’ve never considered myself “chubby” and I’ve also never considered myself “thin” for that matter either. I generally wear a size medium clothing. It’s often large on me and I COULD wear a small, but still feel better in a size Medium. I’d say the proper way to describe myself in GENERAL… would be more thick and curvy – though by thick I also never viewed myself as “fat thick” and you know what I mean by that. I was more solid. I had the legs of someone who did sports their whole life though I didn’t play sports my whole life. I was a cheerleader – but you can read more about that later when I finally get around to publishing my book hopefully later this year.
So here is a photo of me from 2002 … Fat from fat or even chubby in my opinion…. (though my hair was shockingly short as I’d cut it because my littlest one at that time LOVED pulling my hair and I’d gotten about sick of it)
So then here’s me in 2003 … still not what I’d consider fat or even chubby really … just me being me … and my hair had finally started growing …
Here is me in 2004 …. still not what I would consider chubby … I’d gone back to my original color of blond by now and this was an artistic body painting set I did .. these photos are ALL unedited by the way …
Here I am in 2005 … still blond(er) … and still not what I’d consider fat/chubby whatever ….
I think you get the point 🙂
So anyway, I’m only human. My weight fluctuates as pretty much every other person’s does. Sometimes I’m “heavier”. I like food. I don’t like to work out and for those who know even the slightest bit about me, I’m REALLY busy ALL the time, so finding time to work out means giving up something else (like working on an update, filming new scenes, spending time with my family, showering that day, etc). Salad is for rabbits, but I still eat it. Sometimes I’m “more fit” because I’ve made a conscious effort to live off of raisins, salad, bananas, watermelon and basically sunflower seeds. That happens to suit me at this particular moment. Maybe it’ll stick. Maybe I’ll get super busy again and “let myself go’ some … only time will tell, I DID give birth to my 4th child in 2010 and having gained 75 lbs with my pregnancy, it took some time to get it all off. Do you know anyone who ever lost 75 pounds in a couple months? Didn’t think so! But what that comment DID do this morning was motivate me on this beautiful Monday morning to get my exercise in early. I hopped off of twitter and got into my work out clothes and busted my ass working out today, so I suppose I owe him a thank you for the Monday Morning Motivation.