So …. a few weeks back, I got this grand idea. An idea for a video – namely for my clip store as opposed to the website – simply because the idea I had in mind seems more suiting there. Since it’s not yet filmed, I’m keeping the idea to myself for now. Very long story short …
After loads of researching online, I chose a website to order some kick ass looking contact lenses. OK. The idea of sticking ANYTHING in my eye freaks me out, but fuck it, people do it every day. I’m no wimp. I’ve given birth to 4 kids. How hard can contacts be!? I can do this. So I order them and I wait. And I wait. And I wait some more and then finally today, they arrive. I’ve already bought everything I need to house them, keep them wet and fresh and I’ve purchased the rest of the goodies needed to hopefully pull off this “great fucking idea” I had a few weeks back.
Deciding it’s probably a good idea to at least try it out before it comes actual time to film with them (Lord knows I’ll screw things up somehow if I don’t do a “practice run”), I decide to insert said contacts into my eyes today. 20 minutes later, I manage to get the first one in. After a couple eye lid massages, it sits perfectly where it should and I’ll admit, looked really neat. Great. The hard part is over. I’ve inserted one. Now I know what to expect. Let’s do this. 10 minutes later I finagle the second one in. Wow. I look SO COOL!!!! Yeah – feeling like a teenager who just got their first car – I’m super psyched. I wait for everyone to come home so I can show them off and then I go to take them out and put them in the cases I’d already bought with the solution I’d already bought and go on about my day.
That’s where everything went downhill. 45 minutes of prying my eyes open and sliding the colorful little discs around on my eye, I could NOT squeeze them out. The left one was irritating the hell out of me, vision half blurred in that eye I give up to take care of the grocery shopping and once that little chore is finished I can simply get back to removing them. Two hours, six websites and three youtube videos later (ewww – seriously don’t watch them – they are just GROSS) I still cannot remove the now seemingly not as cool items from my eyeballs.
Scared about having to do this again on a completely different occasion to film the video, I have the bright idea of putting on my makeup and at least filming the “ending” to the video I’ve been running through my head for weeks now. So – everyone is put out – dinner is pushed aside. This needs to be done and needs to be done NOW … so I can get these fuckers out of my eyes. Film it. Watch it. Looks good enough to me. Great … back to the bathroom to wash my face (again) and wash my hands (for now the 800th time since 3:30pm). Pulling, prodding, poking, squeezing at my eyes … almost frantically at this point, I STILL cannot remove the damned contact lenses. I can move them – slightly – but then cannot grasp them to “squeeze them out. Kids are screaming. Hubby’s yelling. I’m having a fucking panic attack. The next legitimate decision is to just cry my eyes out. I’ve put myself in this situation and I can’t get myself out of it. Maybe I can cry the fuckers out. I certainly can’t pluck them out no matter what I do. I look up local eye places. All are closed or the Dr’s are gone for the day. Since I’m now in NO shape to even speak – I make hubby call a last chance place that’s not the hospital. They say they MAY be able to “flush it out” … ohhhhh this does NOT sound like fun – but it’s pretty much now my only option. At this point, I’ve been wearing them for over 6 hours.
Off we go to have my eyes flushed. Yay. Flushing should be left to the toilets not for the eyes. She’s super sweet. Takes one look and says they look great – but those kind are illegal because they’re not fitted to the eye – and these particular ones are too small for my eyes (all I could think is – they get BIGGER than this? I can’t imagine putting anything BIGGER inside my eye!) … I explain that I can move them but I can’t pinch them out. She flushes me … swoosh …. ahhhh it’s actually very relieving!!! I pry my eyes wide open next to this generous stranger and I shove those fuckers as far as I can – and SHE reaches in and pinches them out. OMG! The first one is out. I want to cry or sing or dance or pray. I don’t know – but let’s not stop now – I want the other one out too … same thing … swoosh – solution goes pouring down into my eye – I pry it open and shove hard … bloop – she grabs it right out. FUCK! I have MY eyes back again. My perfectly fine as they were before I got this brilliant fucking brainstorm of an idea green eyes. Pretty sure I won’t be trying to see through any lenses other then my own again. My red itchy irritated eyes are extremely pissed at me right now and I’m pissed at myself for thinking I could do something as seemingly simple as putting in and taking out a pair of contact lenses!